A Reflection on 40

When I turned 35 years old, I wrote a blog post about being halfway to 70 and how that really wasn’t so bad.  I thought the “oh I’m getting SO old” line was just a ploy to have everyone tell you how young you look and how awesome you are.  Well I have learned that I actually can be bothered by a birthday.  It is legit.  Turning 40 has had me in the pit!  I can laugh while saying that now, but for the last month or so, I have been in the dumps.  Being halfway to 80 stinks.  Before I became a nurse, I thought of old age as a sweet little wrinkly lady in her rocking chair surrounded by grandbabies.  Now I see old age on a daily basis, and it terrifies me.  What I often see is a fate worse than death.  I see pain.  I see fear.  I see loneliness.  I see people speaking for themselves only to be overruled by family members who discount their opinions or believe them to be mentally incompetent.  I see the worst kind of weariness and dread of waking up to live one more day.   I am 40, and 40 is halfway to 80, and 80 is old.  It scares me.  It depresses me.  It makes me impatient to seize the day before that happens to me. 

A while back, I was asked if I wanted a birthday party.  I didn’t, and I’m glad that the people in my life take me at my word on that.  I love being at parties, but I do not like to be the center of attention.  I said that I would much rather take a trip.  Well the trip never got planned, and my feeling went from depression to absolute despair.  I would cry at the drop of a hat.  I almost signed up to work on my birthday just so I would have something to occupy my time and take my mind off this unwanted milestone.  On Wednesday, I had a meltdown and acted more like a 3 year-old than a 39 year-old.  The result was a hastily planned trip to the Gulf Coast.  We left on Saturday and came back Monday.  It was a short trip and it rained a lot of the time, but it served its purpose.  Even in the November rain, the ocean soothed my soul.  I don’t mind wearing jeans and a sweatshirt on the beach.  When I walk along the beach, the words of the 23 rd Psalm often come to me.  “He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul”.  Mine is moving water, but it works just the same.  It restores me.  I now feel ready to face the future.  I needed some quiet, dedicated time to ponder this milestone, and I got it.

Ten years ago, as I ended my twenties, I was happily married.  I had a 5 year-old, a 3 year-old, and an almost 2 year-old.  I was homeschooling Bonnie, and struggling to keep up a home.  The days were long.  Matt was a Machinist at Rome Plow, and he pastored a small Methodist Church.  We had lots of farm animals.  I felt frumpy and boring and maybe a little too home-centered, but I felt like I was where God wanted me to be. 

I recently heard a TED talk about how people recognize that change is the only sure thing in life, but they are universally unable to apply that concept to the vision for their own lives.  It has been so true for me.  That 29 year-old could have NEVER imagined being the 39 year-old I am today.  We had another baby.  A job change for my husband led to a marriage crisis for us.  That crisis led me to not being able to live without the ability to support myself and my children if I need to.  That need for self-reliance led me into a career that I love.  That career allowed my husband to quit his job and take over the kids’ education.  The kids are now 15, 13, 11, and 8.  We became Catholic.  Our whole lives have changed.  My 30’s have been a grand adventure!

Now to see what the next decade will bring.  I got accepted into the Family Nurse Practitioner program at GSU, and I will start in January.  That means I will become a FNP-C at the age of 42.  It is my hope that my new career brings even more fulfillment in that area of my life and allows us to live more comfortably.  Right now all our financial goals are contingent upon it.  “When I become a nurse practitioner, we can…..  get a new car….. get our countertops replaced…. take that trip to Italy, etc”.   When I’m 50, Bonnie will be 25.  Will will be 23.  Luke will be 21, and Rosemary will be 18.  It is even possible that Matt and I will be grandparents by then.  My prayer is that we have no major losses or illnesses.  It is my hope that my faith will grow.  It is my desire that my children grow into respectable, happy, and capable adults and that Matt and I find common ground when our home is empty.  Here’s to 40!  May it be a grand adventure as well!