I Win the Bread

So the previous blog post was really just to give some insight into the issues I’m facing at work.  Everybody has stress.  I remember taking an overload of college classes and working 30 hours a week at the age of 20.  It was stressful.  I recall being a part-time college employee with one child, and life seemed stressful.  I once was a stay-at-home mom of three, and guess what?  Life was stressful.

I think it’s just who I am.  I over-schedule myself.  I make a much bigger deal out of little things than I should.  Last-minute changes in plans throw me into a tailspin.  I am easily irritated, often insecure, socially awkward, and jealous of everyone.  All of these things cause me stress.

There is one particular stress that I face now that is all new to me.  I am a breadwinner.   It is a stress unlike any I have felt before.  Failure is not an option.  I sometimes worry about my safety and health just because the physical act of me going to work is how my family survives.  That is a lot of responsibility.

So here is how I became a breadwinner.  Back in 2008-2009, I was in my second year of homeschooling Bonnie.  The boys were both in half-day preschool , and Rosemary was a toddler.  Matt went to work everyday at a big fabric engineering company as a drafter.  Every day when he got home, he unloaded how much he hated his job.  It was monotonous, meaningless, and bureaucratic.  It made him want to vomit.  After he unloaded, I let the tears flow about what a horrible day I had teaching Bonnie…. the whining, the crying, the backtalk (and Bonnie was pretty bad, too).  It was miserable.  I maintained that no matter how terrible his job was, at least he got out of the house and got to see adults 5 days a week. Then one day Matt said, “I don’t see what is so horrible.  I would love to homeschool the kids. Your life seems perfect to me.”  I offered to trade, and that was that.  We agreed that we would put the kids in public school for two years, he would support me through nursing school, and then I would support the family financially while he taught the kids.  And that is exactly what we did.    

I am happy with our arrangement and so is Matt.  The biggest issue we face is actual or perceived criticism from certain family members.  It is a nontraditional arrangement, and some people just can’t wrap their brains around it.  I have even found myself feeling insecure about it at times, but it is usually because the person I am talking to is a coworker who knows about how much money I make and he or she can’t believe I could possibly support a family on what we make.  They have a spouse who makes as much money or more than they do, and it is barely enough to fund their vacations and semi-annual wardrobe.  See, there is the feeling inadequate thing... and the jealousy thing. 

Since I don’t know anyone in a similar situation to talk to about this, I have searched for a bulletin board or online support group, but I’ve had no luck in finding one.  There are boards for single moms, but I am not a single mom.  I don’t have the stresses of a single mom.  Nor do I have a disabled spouse or a deadbeat spouse.  Our arrangement is completely voluntary.  Matt does the lion’s share of the housework and basically pampers me and makes my life as easy as possible.  I don’t want anyone to ever think he doesn’t pull his weight.  Homeschooling kids is a full-time job if you are doing it right. 

Even though I signed up for it and continue it willingly, supporting a family is stressful.  Sometimes the weight of the responsibility overwhelms me.  Sometimes I wonder if females are equipped to carry such a load. 

I do alright.  I make as much as Matt did when he was the sole supporter of the family.  But like I said, I put a lot of pressure on myself.  I don’t want to just scrape by.  I want to make enough to get ahead in life.  I don’t want to be poor forever.  All this was brought to a head by today being payday and bill paying day, and I had to make a sizeable transfer from our savings account to cover everything.  It left me feeling panicky and inadequate, and with the recent changes at work, I also have a feeling of helplessness.   Hopefully when I finish school, some wonderful opportunity will come my way and I’ll start to feel better about the job I’m doing.